I'm dating myself here, but I used to love Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey on Saturday Night Live.
Here are a few favorites:
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so
what, can't we all be brothers? (That one's for Joe!)